What?

This column appears in the Oct. 31, 2008, edition of the Rosemount Town Pages.

I am not an outdoorsman. Not remotely.
I did some fishing when I was younger, mostly on annual trips with my uncle to the Wisconsin trout opener. But somewhere along the line the appeal of getting up at an hour when decent people are comfortable in bed just to sit in the cold and dark in hopes of jamming a hook through the lip of a slimy, wriggling fish and pulling it onto the shore — where you have to, like, touch it — just lost its appeal.
I've never hunted in my life. Never fired a gun at anything more threatening than the left over jack-o-lanterns we shot at from the deck of my mom's house when I was growing up. In my defense, some of those pumpkins were pretty intimidating.
My experience with firearms starts with a BB gun, runs to a .22 rifle — the one we called Pumpkin-bane — and pretty much stops there.
All of which meant I was in for a really big surprise when I showed up at the Dakota County Gun Club last weekend to take pictures of the club's annual deer rifle sight-in.
The event, which is covered in more detail on page 6B of this issue, is a chance for hunters to fine-tune their aim so they can whack woodland critters more efficiently when deer season rolls around next month. This is a good thing, I realize, because accurate shooting means more deer killed immediately and fewer ticked off animals wandering through the woods with a bullet in their spleen and a score to settle.
So, yeah, the sight-in is a benefit to hunters and lingering-wound-averse deer alike. But it's also really, really loud. Like, uncomfortably loud. Like, feels-like-you-got-punched-in-the-kidneys loud. Like, Rosie O'Donnell loud.
I guess I should have expected that. But remember, most of the weapons I've fired are either powered by air or being held by a character in a video game. These deer rifles are new to me. I asked someone at the sight-in what type of rifle was most common and he rattled off some numbers that might as well have been launch codes for nuclear missiles or the combination for his high school gym locker. All I know is, based on the noise they generated, most of the rifles fired last Saturday would hold you in good stead were you ever attacked by a a deer, a rhinoceros or a Soviet tank.
Are deer tougher than I realized?
I don't have any moral objection to hunting. I don't think I'll ever need my meat to be so fresh I'm willing to hack it off the bone myself. If you want to track wild game to put meat on your table, by all means do. If you want to pop a cap in Bambi's white tail just because you think he's giving you the stink-eye, knock yourself out. I'm just not sure I see the appeal of getting up sometime before dawn to sit in an uncomfortable tree stand all on the off chance I'll get to fire a weapon that will deafen me and slam into my shoulder like Billy Joel into a Hamptons home.
I'd rather go biking.

Nathan Hansen,
Editor

Posted by: townpages on 10/30/2008 at 2:01 PM | Comments (0) | Permalink

Where's that draft coming from?

This column appeared in the Oct. 17, 2008 edition of the Town Pages

When I moved into my house last December winter was already well under way. About all I could do to prepare for the cold weather was blow-dry some plastic wrap onto a couple of my windows and think warm thoughts. As a result, I spent my first several months as a homeowner signing over somewhere in the neighborhood of 3/4 of my paycheck to the natural gas company in the interest of keeping my extremities from turning blue and falling off.
I'm hoping things will be different this time around. That's why I spent time over the weekend listening to people tell me about how making small improvements to my home can save me money, single-handedly reverse the effects of global warming and make me more desirable to women everywhere.
That's what I heard, anyway. I might not have been paying the closest attention.
Actually, if I'm being honest, learning about saving the planet wasn't really why I was there at all. I was there, sitting on an uncomfortable chair on the second floor of a church on what might have been one of the last truly great days of the year, because I'd been promised free stuff. It was part of some grant my neighborhood organization got. All I had to do was sit through an hour of people explaining how taking shorter showers would save the polar ice caps and I'd walk out with a free programmable thermostat, a power strip that turned out to be not nearly as high tech as it was described and faucet aerators.
What guy can resist a free faucet aerator?
I learned that turning my thermostat by just two degrees can save me 6 percent on my energy bill. By that math I just need to drop the temperature 33 degrees this winter to get my heat for free. I also learned about something called phantom load. It's power my freeloading appliances suck back even when they're not turned on. It would also make a great name for a Scooby Doo villain.
When it was all over and I'd collected my free stuff I had a chance to sign up for an appointment to have someone come look at my house and tell me what I can do to shrink my carbon footprint from a clown shoe to a baby bootie and to strike a balance between suffering hypothermia and needing one of those federal bailouts I've heard so much about just to keep the gas company off my back every month.
I can only assume one of the first things my inspector will point out is the gap between my front door and door frame that is large enough to allow free passage to small woodland creatures, provided they haven't put on too much winter weight. I suspect that might be contributing to the draft in my living room.
If things go the way I hope they will I'll come out of the whole thing with both an idea how to save money on my utility bills and a feeling of smug satisfaction for the role I'm playing in saving the world.
Hear that, ladies?

Nathan Hansen,
editor

Posted by: townpages on 10/17/2008 at 9:12 AM | Comments (0) | Permalink

Left, right, left, right

This column appeared in the Oct. 10, 2008 edition of the Town Pages.

When you bike 160 miles in a day as I did last Saturday on a family trip to Duluth you have a lot of time alone with your thoughts. And while there is a point at which all of those thought turn into something along the lines of "Right leg ... now left leg" there is still plenty of time to ponder the world's greatest mysteries. Or at least to wonder whether the Starship Enterprise could beat an Imperial Star Destroyer in a fight.
Among the some of the thoughts from or inspired by my long ride north:
• I happened to catch some of VH1's list of the 100 greatest rap songs of all time last week. And by "happened to catch" I mean, "TiVo'd so I could watch at my leisure." As a white guy who grew up in the suburbs I feel like I really understand rap music. Like most rappers I enjoy money. I like bragging about myself (did I mention I biked 160 miles last Saturday?). And I'm sick and tired of The Man keeping me down.
• Don't believe me? The first two CDs I ever bought: Young MC's Bust a Move and an album of parody rap songs by a group called 2 Live Jews (Sample song title: Oy! It's So Humid). If that doesn't give me some serious street cred I don't know what will.
• I wish I was kidding about that 2 Live Jews CD. I just looked it up. The CD was called As Kosher as they Want to Be. Apparently I was a giant dork when I bought my first CDs.
• Speaking of music, if there's a worse song than Billy Joel's "You're Only Human (Second Wind)" to have stuck in your head when you're trying to get fired up, I don't know what it is. It's like the anti-Eye of the Tiger.
• On further review, I take that back. "Bon Jovi's Livin'" on a Prayer is a much worse song to have playing on an endless mental loop. Jon Bon Jovi could personally cancel out any motivation you might get from Eye of the Tiger, the theme from Rocky and the 1812 Overture combined.
• Realizing you've ridden 80 miles is a lot less exciting when you remember you're only halfway done.
• If there's anything more embarrassing than tipping over on your bike it's having to lie there until someone comes along to twist your foot out of your pedal. Now I know how turtles feel. I'm pretty sure I'll hear for the rest of my life about my brother having to free me from my bike.
• You want to know the worst part of a long bike ride in cool weather, though? It's not the sore legs. It's the runny nose. I'm pretty sure I lost at least an eighth of my body weight in mucous alone.
• If you think that's a disgusting image, you should see my biking gloves.
• Hearing gunshots while you're biking is a lot less disconcerting if you're not riding to Duluth on the first day of the deer hunting season.
• Is it just me, or does Sarah Palin's Alaskan accent make everyone feel like we're being asked to support a character from Fargo for Vice President?
• What's next? The Big Lebowski for Secretary of the Interior?
• The best part of any ride? The end.

Nathan Hansen,
editor

Posted by: townpages on 10/17/2008 at 9:10 AM | Comments (0) | Permalink

A little help?

This column appeared in the Sept. 19, 2008, edition of the Town Pages.

Dear Federal Government,
I’m not sure how I’m supposed to go about this and I’m a little embarrassed to even ask, but do you think I could get one of those economic bailouts I keep hearing people talk about?
I admit some of my current financial situation is my own fault. I realize now I didn’t actually need a solid gold toilet in my new house. And yes, in retrospect, committing so much of my savings to building a breeding operation for Argentinian Performing Hamsters was probably not a good idea.
We all make mistakes, right? Why dwell on the past? However it happened, I need help and I need it now. I’ve got bills to pay and an angry man named Arturo breathing down my neck. He’s got a show to put on and I can’t get any of his stars to run on that little wheel without tripping, much less walk the high wire.
As you can see, there will be some pretty significant consequences if my finances are allowed to collapse in such a spectacular fashion. This isn’t just about me, though. My financial troubles will have far reaching consequences. With money tighter I imagine I’ll eat out less, for example, which could spell disaster for Taco Bells and Burger Kings throughout the south metro. Who will eat the bean burritos and cheeseburgers if not me?
If I don’t get a fast infusion of cash I won’t be able to pay my mortgage. I keep hearing about what a problem foreclosures are becoming. Well, here’s your chance to start turning the tide.
Also, and I really can’t stress this enough, I’m pretty sure Arturo is about to take me out with a bolo. I freak out every time I see someone dancing the tango. This is no way to live.
I’m not asking for a lot. I don’t need the billions you’ve promised to save American International Group or that guy Freddie Mack I keep hearing about. I’m just looking for a little something to help me get back on my feet. I think $972.36 should do it. If you wanted to throw in one of those new iPhones that would be totally cool.
I’m not just asking for a handout, though. In return for your investment in my future I am willing to offer the Federal Government a .73 percent share in my life. If you come through with the amount I’m asking for I will allow you to make crucial decisions like what socks I wear each day and where I eat dinner (choices limited to Taco Bell or Burger King or, if I’m feeling adventurous, Chipotle). If you throw in the iPhone I’ll let you choose one menu item for me at each meal (Come on, cinnamon twists!).
I appreciate you taking the time to listen to me here, Federal Government. I know you’ve got a lot on your mind but I think I’ve laid out a proposal that can work for everyone. Please let me know if there other steps I need to take to get this process moving — if I need to fill out an official bailout form, or come to Washington to make my case in person. If I need to apply in person, though, could you please add the cost of airfare to my bailout request?
I await your response.
Thank you in advance,
Nathan Hansen

Posted by: townpages on 9/19/2008 at 1:49 PM | Comments (0) | Permalink

Living in a fantasy

This column appeared in the Sept. 12, 2008, edition of the Town Pages.

To the commissioner of the Vicious Viking Fantasy Football league:
First, I want to thank you for the opportunity to compete in your league this year. I know some members were reluctant to take in someone with so little fantasy football experience. I promise to take seriously the responsibility of managing the statistics of millionaire athletes who neither know nor care that they exist and I appreciate you allowing me in at only twice the normal entry fee and. I hope I do not disappoint you or the rest of the fantasy coaches. They seem like a great group of guys.
However, before we get too far into the seasons there seems to be some draft-related draft confusion I'd like to get cleared up. If you don't mind, I'll go round by round so we can clear things up.
Round 1: This is a big one. Clearly I was joking when I announced my decision to take Vikings quarterback Tarvaris Jackson with the first overall pick. I thought that was obvious when I made that "T-Jack? More like cheddar-jack" comment and everyone laughed. In retrospect they might have been laughing at something else. Anyway, my intended pick here was Packers quarterback Aaron Rodgers. Please make that change.
Round 2: I'm thrilled with this pick. I never would have expected Tom Brady to be available here? I'm excited about his durability. This is one guy you can count on having on the field week in and week out.
Round 3: Honestly, someone should have pointed out that LaDanian Tomlinson had already been taken. I'll admit I was managing the stats of my World of Warcraft character and not paying as much attention as I should have been, but fair is fair. I propose my opponent and I split LT's points or maybe alternate weeks with him in our make-believe backfields.
Round 4: A lot of the guys warned me against taking Adam "Pacman" Jones here. I understand it's a risk, given that he plays defense. But this is a guy who got suspended from the league for being involved in a fight that ended up with a dude getting paralyzed, then took up professional wrestling. Clearly you never know what he's going to do, and I like that kind of excitement.
Round 5: I hesitate to make any unwarranted accusations here, but I'm starting to think people were treating the new guy a little unfairly. Is it my fault I didn't know Walter Payton was both out of the league and several years dead? Where's the sportsmanship? I'd appreciate you replacing this pick with O.J. Simpson. Fair is fair.
Round 6: Apparently I drafted the Minnesota Gophers offensive line here. I have no idea how that happened.
Round 7: I really don't see the problem with drafting only the Vikings run defense here. If there was a rule against that someone really should have explained it ahead of time.
Round 8: It was explained several times during the draft that it's unusual to take three quarterbacks before drafting a single wide receiver but this just feels like the right place for T-Jack. Skål Vikings, right?
Rounds 9-12: In the interest of moving things along I let my fellow league members choose my receiving corps out of a hat but I seem to have lost the slips of papers with the players' names. I'm open to suggestions here.
Round 13 and beyond:I honestly don't remember what happened from this point on. I believe I had dozed off. If anyone can fill me in on how my team ended up I'd appreciate it.
As you can see these are all fairly minor issues and they should be easy to resolve. Now, if you don't mind a little good-natured "trash talk" — did I use that term right? — I am quite confident in the my team and believe you might just as well turn your entry fees over to me now. In the face, dudes!
Kind regards,
Nathan Hansen

Nathan Hansen,

Editor

Posted by: townpages on 9/11/2008 at 3:15 PM | Comments (0) | Permalink