Rough Day

Do you ever feel like everyone hates you? That's how I feel today. My day was going great up until my boss came by my desk with a bad attitude. I could just sense it was directed towards me. I don't get it. SHe is so pleasant and nice to everyone else, but when she talks to me I just get the feeling like she is annoyed by me. I made an error over a month ago and I am taking the proper precautions to assure it doesn't happen again, I'm only human. I don't know what i did or what I am doing. It just enrages my eating disorder, it is another excuse for it to come out and play. My ED thrives on negative energy, and right now it wants me to eat a whole bunch of "bad" food and throw it up. I haven't had a feeling of purging this strong in months. Even if I don't eat a bunch of bad food I still feel like I want to vomit. I don't get it, this feeling is horrid. Throwing up won't solve anything, it wont' make anything better, it won't help me get better in my career and it won't remove the tension between me and my boss. I want to cry but I don't feel I have enough reason to. I'm a grown woman, I can handle this...right? This sucks.

Posted by: Beating Ana on 3/16/2010 at 3:00 PM | Comments (1) | Permalink

Tags: anorexia, anxiety, career, cry, eating disorder, error, hate, negative, purge, sad, stress, sucks, vomit, work

Evil Scale

I don’t remember the last time I weighed myself. Of course I get weighed every time I see my doctor or see my EDI therapist, but it has always been a “blind” weight. I have a scale under my bathroom sink which I used to hop on daily to make sure my weight hadn’t went up and hope that it would go down. It was a crazy obsession. There were even times I would pack my scale along when I went on vacations or visited my family back home. No one ever knew, it was my little secret. Needless to say, I was addicted to my scale. It was my best friend and yet, my worst enemy. The number that appeared in the window would determine my mood for the entire day, what I eat, how much I would exercise and how I felt about my self. I never expected a number to have such a powerful effect on me. In my past treatments I was often told, “you can’t weigh your self-esteem.” But how do you tell someone that who lives, breathes and eats for the number on the scale? I went along with what others told me, that I am more than a number, God made me in his perfect image and you are beautiful, blah, blah, blah. I’d hear everything but could never believe it.

I haven’t weighed myself in over six months. Let me tell you, it hasn’t been easy. I am tempted every morning to pull out the scale from under my sink to see the evil number. Why don’t I get rid of the scale? It’s my eating disorder holding on the hope, that someday I will come back and worship it. Also, it’s a reminder to me as a person how farm I have come in my recovery. Every time I see the scale I am filled with anxiety and fear. I don’t want to know the number, I am scared to see how my healthier lifestyle as affected my weight and it doesn’t matter anymore. My weight is just a number, why should it have such powerful reigns on me? The only people who know my weight are my doctor and therapist. My last therapy appointment I voiced that my eating disorder was hopeful my weight went down. She then asked me how I would feel if it went down, how would it affect what I ate or what I did? Would I be happy? What would it prove about me as a person? Would people like me more? Etc. I sat there for a while before I told her I didn’t have a logical answer for any of the questions. Everything that came to me was eating disorder related. Skinny = power, beauty, bones = strength and full = fat.

My therapist was great with helping me work through the nasty ED thoughts and I left my appointment feeling more empowered to fight this beast. Her confidence in me has helped me to believe I can overcome ED. I don’t know if anyone ever recovers 100% from an eating disorder, but I do know that with the help and guidance I am receiving, I will someday be able think of myself as beautiful and accept myself for who I am.

Posted by: Beating Ana on 3/12/2010 at 12:36 PM | Comments (1) | Permalink

Tags: anorexia, body image, bulimia, eating disorder, enemy, god, number, recovery, scale, therapy, weigh, weight

I Pray

I Pray...

For strength to fight and the security to know I can overcome

For acceptance of my body and the ability to love my imperfections

For peace and calm within myself

For my voice of reason to muffle out my voice of negativity

For positive change in my life

For the ability to ask for help and support when I need it most

For lasting healthy relationship and the end of destructive relationships 

For a release from the hell in my mind

To break free from the chains that hold me back

To get angry with my eating disorder and not those who care about me

To take one step closer to remove my eating disorder from my life

To enjoy meals and enjoy the company

To live my life to fullest 

That someday I can look back on my eating disorder as only a faint memory.

To reclaim my life

Posted by: Beating Ana on 3/10/2010 at 3:15 PM | Comments (1) | Permalink

Tags: eating disorder, freedom, healthy, poem, pray, prayer, recovery, relationship, support

Weekend Successes

The last few days have been really busy for me, which is good. I haven’t had much time to focus on food, exercise, weight and calories. My anxiety has lowered to a manageable level and doesn’t consume my day. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel again.

I finally got to talk to my friend who recently had a baby. It was nice to talk, her baby is a month old and that’s how long it’s been since I last talked to her. We had a lot of catching up to do and I can finally get off the pity train and stop feeling sorry for myself that I don’t have any friends. My important friends are there, but their lives are changing and it makes talking and seeing each other more difficult.

My sister hasn’t been able to make our workout dates. She never showed up last week, but it’s not the first time. I was bummed she didn’t come and my eating disorder was ecstatic. It was time to play! Over exercise! (Sarcasm) I did over exercise, and I also under ate that day. The worst part was the instant self-gratification, it wasn’t me feeling proud or overpowered it was my eating disorder. I was exhausted, tired and ended up going to bed early because of it. The next day I didn’t go to the gym to avoid the same cycle. It was tough to drive past the gym on my way home, but I knew it was the healthiest option for my body and me.

To let my eating disorder I mean business I have also challenged myself with eating “scary” or “bad” foods. Melty cheese nachos, steak, French fries and banana bars. Granted I didn’t eat these all at the same time, that would have been a mental break down. I had them at different meals mixed with “safer” options so it wouldn’t appear so scary, and it wasn’t. I handled it well and didn’t go run on a treadmill for an hour or hide a corner feeling guilty. I was able to accept what I ate and move on to my next activity. Staying busy was a key component this weekend, and I thank my boyfriend for being such a social butterfly.

I hope the past few days are a positive outlook on the days to come. Recovery is a one step forward, two steps back sort of game, but I think this last weekend I took two steps forward. I’m proud of myself.

Posted by: Beating Ana on 3/08/2010 at 3:01 PM | Comments (1) | Permalink

Tags: anorexia, anxiety, binge, body image, calories, challenge, depression, eating, eating disorder, exercise, fat, food, workout

Anxiety Depleting

My anxiety level seems to finally be a manageable level. Today is the first day I can honestly say I didn't feel anxious, jittery or nervous. I felt like me, it was great. I hope to continue on this upswing, it can only help my battle with my eating disorder. 

I have also recruited my sister to workout with me. Not only will she get the benefit of working out and maintaining a healthy lifestyle, but she will also be helping me to not over exude my workout. We'll arrive at the gym together and we will leave the gym together. We can motivate each other and also have our own bonding time. I'm hoping it will help me get back into a healthy relationship with exercise.

My entry today is short because right now I am meeting my sister at the gym. Until tomorrow.

Posted by: Beating Ana on 3/03/2010 at 4:01 PM | Comments (1) | Permalink