Love Hurts: 24 Bad Romantic Comedies

The arrival of Hilary Swank's 'P.S. I Love You' on DVD got us thinking about the 24 lamest love stories we'd like to return to sender. (Granted, one person's trash may be someone else's treasure...)

MUST LOVE DOGS (2005)

It's an overused knock to say a bad comedy reminds you of a bad sitcom, but it's hard to think of a bad comedy that better fits the 'bad sitcom' description than Must Love Dogs. Especially because writer-director Gary David Goldberg is best known as an exec producer on Spin City and Family Ties, two quality programs that suggest this movie shouldn't have been so canned. Diane Lane plays a lady looking for love; John Cusack is a canoe-builder who fits the bill; and they (along with the rest of the cast, including Christopher Plummer and Elizabeth Perkins) give off the vibe of being way too smart for this kind of material. Gregory Kirschling

MAID IN MANHATTAN (2002

Jennifer Lopez has more chemistry with a feather duster than Ralph Fiennes in Maid in Manhattan. It would have been more entertaining to watch J. Lo change bed sheets than to see her unwittingly fall in 'love' with Christopher Marshall, a senatorial snooze fest. While 'love checks in,' I checked out. Gretchen Hansen

NINE MONTHS (1995)

A commitment-phobe (Hugh Grant) expresses reservations about his girlfriends (Julianne Moore) pregnancy and only realizes he wants to make an honest woman of her after he sees his babys late-stage ultrasound. Did we mention the climactic scene where a 'wacky' Russian obstetrician (Robin Williams) haphazardly delivers Moore's and Joan Cusack's spawn at the same time? Rated R...for repugnant! Michael Slezak

FORCES OF NATURE (1999)

We are asked to suffer through a thousand rainstorms, a plane crash, a car wreck, a hitchhiking nightmare, the near death of an elderly person, a Ben Affleck striptease, and Sandra Bullock doing 'edgy' in way too much eyeliner all so Affleck can get to his wedding in Georgia and marry Maura Tierney* anyway? Why not just smash us in the face with a board for a while? Whitney Pastorek

OVER HER DEAD BODY (2008)

With all the onscreen cat-fighting going on in Desperate Housewives, it was time for Eva Longoria Parker to make a break for the big screen. Too bad she chose the role of Kate, a newly-deceased woman who haunts her groom-to-be's newfound lover, in one stinker of a movie. Over Her Dead Body is about as funny as Ghost Dad and about as romantic as a grilled cheese sandwich. And a small role by Jason Biggs sure didn't help. Mark S. Luckie

THE BACHELOR (1999)

The silent classic Seven Chances (1925) in which hundreds of brides chase Buster Keaton because he stands to inherit a fortune if he marries by the end of the day is a hilarious movie. This pallid remake, starring the bland Chris O'Donnell, is not. As one of O'Donnell's ex-girlfriends, Mariah Carey made her less than auspicious acting debut. Gary Susman

BRIDGET JONES: THE EDGE OF REASON (2004)

If a man had directed this horrible sequel, he could've been rightly roasted as a total pig. But Beeban Kidron a woman directed it, and so it's kind of mystifying how much she goes in for humiliating her leading lady. Renee Zellweger as Bridget looks bad, and the nadir is probably when the movie has her skydive into a pig sty. No, wait the nadir is when the movie inexplicably sends Bridget to a Thai prison for the torturous final reel. And as the dudes, Colin Firth and Hugh Grant are on auto-repeat. The movie fails as romantic comedy first and foremost because it doesn't take its characters anywhere new. Gregory Kirschling

AMERICA'S SWEETHEARTS (2001)

Romantic-comedy royalty John Cusack and Julia Roberts lack any chemistry in this skewering of the Hollywood hype machine, directed by Joe Roth, ex-chairman of Walt Disney Studios. And a gaggle of loathsome characters provide canned charm suitable for the film's setting: a press junket. Jeff Labrecque

THE PALLBEARER (1996)

When Friends made him a star, David Schwimmer must have reminded a lot of people of the young Dustin Hoffman. That doesn't excuse this glum Graduate update, one not made any funnier or more romantic by centering on a young man's funeral. Gary Susman

LITTLE BLACK BOOK (2004)

Stacy (Brittany Murphy), an associate producer for a Springer-like talk show, uses her boyfriend's PDA to retrace his romantic history. The problem: There's nothing 'romantic' about this film because you don't actually like Stacy, nor do you want her to end up with Derek (Ron Livingston). What biting 'comedy' there may be is overshadowed by costar Holly Hunter chewing the scenery. And you can't save a film with Working Girl references and a Carly Simon cameo. Mandi Bierly

ADDICTED TO LOVE (1997)

Not sure who looked at Matthew Broderick and Meg Ryan and thought, 'Yeah, we need these two to play jilted, angry stalkers who sabotage the lives of their ex-lovers!' but that person should probably find another line of work since Broderick and Ryan have as much dark side as a bag of marshmallows.

Also: Jilted, angry stalking saboteurs are, shockingly, neither romantic nor particularly comedic. Whitney Pastorek

ALEX & EMMA (2003)

Cuban thugs torch his laptop and will kill romance novelist Alex (Luke Wilson) if he doesn't cough up $100K. So the writer hires Emma (Kate Hudson) to take dictation on his 'brilliant' novel. But brilliant is Alex's description of his prose, which they act out, demonstrating how painfully sub-Harlequin it actually is. Oh, and they fall in love. Ari Karpel

Trying to follow up the insanely successful There's Something About Mary, the Farrelly Brothers wound up with a movie just shy of insane. Jim Carrey played a mild-mannered state trooper, whose years of denial and repression come to a screeching halt just as he's assigned to escort Renee Zellweger on a road trip. The movie delivered on its gross-out gags, but the romance never gelled as Zellweger attempted to get cuddly with a man who toggled back and forth between meekness and psychosis. Jeff Giles

GOOD LUCK CHUCK (2007)

Hmm, where could this movie have gone wrong? Casting the giggling, hyperactive Dane Cook as a romantic lead? Casting Jessica Alba as the gawky, awkward love interest? The sub-ABC Family Channel premise: Cook's curse is to be the guy every woman dates just before she meets the love of her life? In any case, this tale of an unlucky-in-love dentist was about as romantic as root canal surgery. Gary Susman

FOOLS RUSH IN (1997)

Love Matthew Perry in Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip  simply because he's believable. His turn in Fools Rush In opposite Salma Hayek, on the other hand, is a cheap knockoff of Friends' Chandler Bing. The 'funny parts' feel strained, but it's really not Perrys fault: The film is formulaic and resorts to every stereotype in the book (uptight WASP family meets aggressive Mexicans who like bright colors). Vanessa Juarez

FATHER GOOSE (1964)

Even Cary Grant and Leslie Caron can't class up this humorless act. He's a soused coast-watcher stationed in the South Pacific during World War II (codename: Mother Goose). She's the prim schoolmistress whose gaggle of girls he saves from the Japanese. We buy that thirtysomething Caron would fall for 59-year-old Grant, but do we think they'd get married during an air raid? Not even in a nursery rhyme. Aubry D'Arminio

TWO WEEKS NOTICE (2002)

Hugh Grant and Sandra Bullock make a believable couple in Two Weeks Notice. It's the unbelievably cliché plot that makes me wonder if the writers were given all of two weeks notice to turn out this painfully familiar script. How many movies could be resolved in under 20 seconds if girl just told Hugh Grant, hey, I'm in love with you? Gretchen Hansen

I LOVE TROUBLE (1994)

Did anyone really want to see Julia Roberts (then 26) hook up with Nick Nolte (at 53, more than twice her age)? Both the perma-tanned leading man and the still wet-behind-the-ears ingnue were unconvincing as hard-boiled Chicago reporters, and despite a MacGuffin involving milk tainted with lab-modified hormones (ooh, sexy!), there was no chemistry on display here. Gary Susman

THE BREAK-UP (2006)

We were stoked for Vince Vaughn's next outing after his hilarious turn in the raunchtastic Wedding Crashers. But instead of marital bliss, we left feeling like we'd eaten some rotten wedding cake. The Break-Up proved that funny man + love does not a romantic comedy necessarily make. Sure, there were a few laugh out loud moments (Tone Rangers, anyone?), but Gary (Vaughn) and Brooke's (Jennifer Aniston) non-stop bickering and childish mind games weren't funny. They were downright depressing. Amy Wilkinson

MR. WRONG (1996)

As we know now, any guy would have been Mr. Wrong for Ellen DeGeneres. When this film was released, she wasn't out yet, but her squirmy discomfort at having to swoon over creepy Bill Pullman was evident. Gary Susman

HOW TO LOSE A GUY IN 10 DAYS (2003)

Matthew McConaughey and Kate Hudson star in How to Lose My Interest in 10 Minutes, a romantic comedy that isn't particularly romantic or funny. Watching the movie, I couldn't help but sympathize with Andie and Ben. I too felt trapped in an endless and perpetually irritating relationship from which there was no escape. Watch this one on mute, if only to oogle at tan, beautiful people as they spend 100-plus minutes trying to deny what a tan, beautiful couple they'd make. Gretchen Hansen

BEAUTICIAN AND THE BEAST (1997)

Fran Drescher was pretty funny in small doses on The Nanny. But stretching that show out to nearly two hours, and replacing the Broadway producer with an Eastern European dictator (played by Timothy 'The Dullest 007' Dalton) as the Euro-stiff love interest? Not funny. Gary Susman

THE SWEETEST THING (2002)

Christina Applegate. Cameron Diaz. Selma Blair. It sounded so good on paper. Unfortunately the film's stars couldn't rise above the tedious will-they-won't-they plotline, which sent Christina (Diaz) and Courtney (Applegate) on a stalker road trip to find Mr. Right at his 'brother's' wedding. (And what purpose did the woefully underutilized Blair serve besides getting stuck on a man's nether region piercing?) The sweetest thing about this movie? When it finally ended. Amy Wilkinson

Source: Entertainment Weekly Online

Posted by: Ms_Hodge_Podge on 5/09/2008 at 7:00 AM | Comments (0) | Permalink